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5.2.16

It sometimes happens you want to tell someone something that they need to hear but are not ready to hear. This happened with me and my father. He was not happy with my decision to go to yeshiva in at Shar Yashuv. It was not that he was unhappy with the Torah path. He just thought and wanted for me an honest vocation along with learning Torah..  That as a rule is true. But what I tried to tell him was that there is such a thing as learning Torah for its own sake. -And that also is true. but he knew that  if in fact you are learning Torah for its own sake,  then you need a kosher vocation on the side.

 What goes around comes around. My father wanted to tell me things that I was not ready to hear. And as a result of this I decided to turn off my connection with him. I had a kind of spiritual connection with me mother and a deep love for my father.  And that was the only time he had ever used his authority. Never before, nor ever after. And I was not willing to understand that what he was saying was Torah with a vocation. What he was saying was 100% true. But still I could not listen and as a result I lost my connection with him. 

For all the years after that I did not feel I had a connection with my father--because of that incident. But when he died some terrible thing happened to me. I felt like I had lost some kind of outer shielding. I had not realized that just by my father being alive and well there was a deeper connection with him than I had consciously been aware of.