When it comes to marrying and children I think the first thing is to ask yourself does the person you are thinking of marrying come from a good family. I mean genes. But more than genes. (That is: genes and character and fear of God.)
I saw the kind of people my parents were and I think that seeing the amazing kind of relationship they had gave me an idealistic picture of marriage. So I was pretty set of getting a girl with the best genes around. And that happened. (In a very ironic way.) And I recommend this approach to anyone who will listen.
I can't say my wife's family was exactly a good family. But I think much of their problems came from environment and the Holocaust and not from genes. The Holocaust did leave rather large scars on people that went through it. (People that go through traumatic events tend to be emotionally scarred.) [Her father was a Jew running from the Nazis in occupied Europe. It was not fun, and he was kind of a difficult person. Not aggressive in deed, but somewhat aggressive in word. And his wife had also some pretty bad experience and that left her also messed up--but in a way not apparent. I mean they had a happy marriage and good children but there was this under-layer of experiences that darkened everything. ]
At any rate, I also think the basic Torah approach to having children is important. That is not just going to a natural body of water before sex. But also that the actual sex which could result in children must be Friday night after midnight. And it should be with every drop of holiness and concentration on God that you can manage.
{This mainly comes from the prayer-book of Jacob Emden that Rav Freifeld gave to me when I first arrived at his yeshiva, Shaar Yashuv.}(This is interesting because Rav Emden thought a good amount if the Zohar is from Moshe DeLeon and yet he uses the Zohar as source material. ) I myself have never had much interest in learning the Zohar but I have found the Ari Isaac Luria, absolutely compelling. and Reb Moshe Cordovaro also (the Remak). And I highly recommend their books.
Having children is the most important thing you can ever do. It is worth the effort to do it right.
Appendix:
1) Also don't expect the children are going to be different from the genes they come from. You might have a nice person but you know the gene pool they come from is stupid, dull or otherwise compromised. Then take my advice and run like the wind.
2) I heard from a friend recently how his an acquaintance had married a woman he thought was pure blood. She was white. But he did not know that she was actually a gypsy. Apparently there are white gypsies. And the children he had with her came out with the exact same character traits as gypsies --mainly a lust to steal.
3) This fact that one must find a good family is the reason the Lithuanian yeshiva world invites in Baali Teshuva but is non so quick to let them marry into their circles. This is perfectly justified.
I saw the kind of people my parents were and I think that seeing the amazing kind of relationship they had gave me an idealistic picture of marriage. So I was pretty set of getting a girl with the best genes around. And that happened. (In a very ironic way.) And I recommend this approach to anyone who will listen.
I can't say my wife's family was exactly a good family. But I think much of their problems came from environment and the Holocaust and not from genes. The Holocaust did leave rather large scars on people that went through it. (People that go through traumatic events tend to be emotionally scarred.) [Her father was a Jew running from the Nazis in occupied Europe. It was not fun, and he was kind of a difficult person. Not aggressive in deed, but somewhat aggressive in word. And his wife had also some pretty bad experience and that left her also messed up--but in a way not apparent. I mean they had a happy marriage and good children but there was this under-layer of experiences that darkened everything. ]
At any rate, I also think the basic Torah approach to having children is important. That is not just going to a natural body of water before sex. But also that the actual sex which could result in children must be Friday night after midnight. And it should be with every drop of holiness and concentration on God that you can manage.
{This mainly comes from the prayer-book of Jacob Emden that Rav Freifeld gave to me when I first arrived at his yeshiva, Shaar Yashuv.}(This is interesting because Rav Emden thought a good amount if the Zohar is from Moshe DeLeon and yet he uses the Zohar as source material. ) I myself have never had much interest in learning the Zohar but I have found the Ari Isaac Luria, absolutely compelling. and Reb Moshe Cordovaro also (the Remak). And I highly recommend their books.
Having children is the most important thing you can ever do. It is worth the effort to do it right.
Appendix:
1) Also don't expect the children are going to be different from the genes they come from. You might have a nice person but you know the gene pool they come from is stupid, dull or otherwise compromised. Then take my advice and run like the wind.
2) I heard from a friend recently how his an acquaintance had married a woman he thought was pure blood. She was white. But he did not know that she was actually a gypsy. Apparently there are white gypsies. And the children he had with her came out with the exact same character traits as gypsies --mainly a lust to steal.
3) This fact that one must find a good family is the reason the Lithuanian yeshiva world invites in Baali Teshuva but is non so quick to let them marry into their circles. This is perfectly justified.
