I see my level of trust has gotten so low that I need something to imbed trust in Hashem back into my soul. It did occur to me that some of the major tests that I have gone trough in life and that did not turn out well was because I did not have trust.
How to put this? Some of the best decisions I think I made were because I trusted in God and some of the worst decisions I made were based on lack of trust.
That to me means that this is an important issue for me. I mean it might be that it is a particular area that I need to work on.
In short, going to NY to a very good Lithuanian yeshiva, Shar Yashuv was at least based on some degree of trust that God would provide. That was in fact an important move because I highly doubt if I would ever have been “able to learn” without the few very crucial years I spent there and learned with the great Gaon, Naphtali Yegeer.
Later going to Israel also was based on a certain degree of trust that God would provide for my needs and the needs of my wife and children.
And leaving Israel was clearly based on a lack of trust.
So I am beginning to see this is an important issue.