It occurred to me one reason why I have not merited to learn Torah [see the reason why Ilfa [who was learning Torah with R Yochanan] went to work, while R. Yochanan stayed to learn Torah.] the reason I believe was that I made my learning Torah contingent on circumstances. Before I got married, I made it clear that I was going to learn Torah, and that was that. My future bride asked, "But what if there is no money." I said, ''If it comes a day when there is no food and no money, I will go and work.'' [Just like Ilfa who made the same mistake.] and since I made my Torah learning dependent on circumstances, thus later even though there was plenty of food and money, my wife left me because I was learning Torah. and I was praying with the sidur of the Reshash [Sar Shalom Sharabi.] And then at that point , being a divorced older guy, I was no longer the type of person that yeshivot beg to come to them and lay out the red carpet. I was thrown out of every place I tried to sit and learn Torah. So eventually, I realized I had no place in the religious world, and went to the Polytechnic Institute of NYU, and went into Physics. [But that, in any case, was after I found support for this in the Chovot Levavot and the Guide for the Perplexed.]
I mention this because I see when one gets married he needs to be committed to learning Torah with no conditions attached and to marry a girl that is similarly committed.
